“I don’t know whether I should write about my affair,” one of my memoir clients said recently.

“Without it, the choices I made after don’t make sense. But I can’t imagine my ex-sister-in-law reading it…She might not forgive me.”

This kind of dilemma comes up a lot with my memoir clients.

They want to write about something private, but they’re afraid of how those close to them will react.

An affair, an addiction. Thoughts of divorce. Doubts about wanting children. A decision they almost made.

They ask me: Do I write about those things, even though it’s risky?

Or do I keep them hidden?

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There’s no simple answer.

On one hand, leaving out something key can make the story feel empty. It can leave you feeling unsatisfied and unchanged.

Being vulnerable on the page can be cathartic. It may be exactly what you need.

On the other hand, revealing those things can have very real consequences. It may risk your reputation, your career, and/or your relationships.

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I tell my clients this:

Start by writing your story as truthfully and vulnerably as you can. Leave nothing out.

Write for yourself, at first. Show no one.

Then, decide what you feel is right.

Do you still want to publish it?

Do you want to have a conversation with someone so that they hear it from you face to face, not from reading about it?

Or, do you want to burn those pages, and publish an edited version of your memoir?

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It’s difficult to write vulnerably if you’re writing for an audience.

Yet an un-vulnerable memoir can feel shallow, boring, and disappointing. (See Melania.)

So don’t write for an audience – at first. Keep your writing private, within a circle of people who won’t be affected by the content (i.e., a book coach or ghostwriter).

Then decide whether to go public. That way, you may get the catharsis of writing about the dark parts without having to publicize them.

Or, you may find that you feel ready to share them.

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The snag in this is that it can disrupt the process of traditional publishing.

If that’s your goal, then typically the first thing you’ll do is write a book proposal, which includes a table of contents. You’re expected to know what you’ll include before you even start.

If you’re in this quandary, I recommend two things:

1. Take time to reflect.

What do you actually want out of writing this book?

Do you feel called to lay it all out there? Or does the book’s core message stay intact when you remove the potentially harmful parts?

Which is more important: the writing, or the publishing?

2. Work with a book coach who has the emotional chops to help you discern this.

Having a professional sounding board who understands both the publishing industry and the emotional stakes can be key in the process of discernment.

If you’re in the process of discerning what to include in your memoir, send me a message using the form below. I’d love to see how I can support you in writing your memoir.

Image credit: Thiago Matos on Pexels.